I wanted to say that being a Filipina nurse with a foreign surname didn’t automatically mean I had a foreign husband, and that my loyalty to serving my country was something that could be questioned. In the first place, 3 years before that conversation, I chose to give up a working opportunity in Germany to come back to the Philippines so I could practice my profession and promote it through my art and writing. My "almost" German employer back then never even questioned my marriage status after going over my papers thoroughly. The blood I carried in my veins and my surname certainly had nothing to do with my passion and willingness to work in the healthcare setting. (READ: Filipino nurses: The world's frontliners vs the coronavirus)
For the first time in my life, I wondered if I was actually in the right place, career-wise. I asked myself questions like, “Were my efforts to be a good nurse really enough? Did I truly belong here?”
After spending months in silent agony and constant reflection, I decided it was time to end things with a heavy heart last December. I even had a theme song for my situation back then – "The Show Must Go On" by Queen. I cherished every shift I had and managed to put on a smile during those times, even when I was dying inside. There was even a phase when I cried every night, like I was experiencing a breakup from a relationship that never went anywhere.
After coming to my senses, however, I knew I wanted to direct all my energy and efforts to my creative work, with my eyes and heart set on graduate school at the same time. I also knew I still wanted to “inspire, heal, and create,” though no longer as a hospital nurse but as a nurse-writer and, hopefully, as a nurse educator someday.
I was told countless times that giving up more than two years of government hospital work was such a waste, but for me the time spent doing something I truly loved and enjoyed will never be a waste. The years between passing my nursing licensure examination and my short-lived hospital career (including my 4 years doing office work in between) helped me realize my place and purpose in this world: to be an inspiration to my fellow nurses and to the younger generation who are interested in nursing as a profession.
At first, being a nurse and writer seemed impossible, given the demands of working in a hospital. Besides that, it was a road less traveled here, with hospital memes and funny videos taking up online space more frequently than essays. Still, I always made it a point to try writing every now and then. When paragraphs refused to come out through my keyboard, I used my brush pens to put my thoughts and ideas down and shared them online. I was lucky enough to have my first essay about nursing ( "Why Be A Nurse?“) published last July in the Philippine Daily Inquirer under Young Blood, with a second one published 6 months later ("Don't Stop and Stare").
A few simple private messages from Filipino nurses plus one student nurse who were inspired by my work were enough. Because of them, and my own dreams to make a small difference for nurses in the Philippines, I continue to write. And now, ever since the beginning of probably the most challenging period in our country's history, the "
COVID-19 Chapter," I've been focusing on writing more.
Your place in the world is defined by what you contribute to make the world better for others, where you can give a bit more of yourself every day and still be happy about it. My creative contribution may not be much, but I do hope and pray that more and more of my fellow nurses will feel even more motivated and inspired to fight on.
Whenever I feel like going back to my old hospital, I remind myself why I left. To be honest, the pain still remains. In God's time, I will have my justice. For now, my wish is that no other half-Filipina nurse – or any other nurse for that matter – would have to go through the same experience I did. It's a shame to know that it's only in the Philippines that we have this "backer culture" – and that's something I certainly want to change for all nurses. (READ:
Low pay, high risk: The reality of nurses in the Philippines)
Although I may not be wearing a hospital uniform at the moment, I never once forgot about my fellow nurses and other healthcare workers. I truly want to help in bringing the story of the Filipino nurse out into the world, for more people to know and understand our struggles and for them to finally see that we all deserve better.
To those who, like me, are currently inactive nurses recovering from the pain of rejection or awaiting new employment, finding your place takes time. Your place in the world doesn’t have to be where most people expect you to stay, like in my case now. What will matter in the end is how brave and creative one can be in finding (or making) new opportunities. Ultimately, it’s that state where you know that you’re finally brave enough to live and tell your story – that you’re more than just a name on a list.
I'm currently working on joining the healthcare force again somewhere else soon, but until that day comes, I'll continue sharing my gift in the service of the Filipino nurse.
– Rappler.comJohanna Zehender is a registered nurse who writes to uplift nurses and fellow healthcare workers everywhere.
